Get Over It

I was talking to someone recently about my grief over my divorce and the betrayal of infidelity. He then started telling me about the grief of losing his family members (all at different times but all were sudden deaths). I sympathized with him until he opined that me taking one year to heal was a bit too long.

I was dumbstruck. I haven't yet experienced a close family member passing away but I know it would be something that would grieve me utterly. But to compare these two forms of grief and expect that dealing with grief has a set time span and it's less than a year.

So it got me thinking. Both are grief dealing with a loved one leaving you. One through death, the other by divorce. But there is a huge difference.

• One is still walking around while the other isn't. 
• One can still bump into you at unexpected times and throw you completely out of your axis, the other remains in your memory. 
• One left you because they truly wanted to, the other because they probably didn't have a choice.
• One would leave you feeling like you are the lowest, most inadequate scum on the earth, the other leaves you with your self-esteem somewhat intact.

And when you're already struggling with your self-esteem before, it doesn't make thing better. At all.

So no, I disagree with him, this grief is not the same. And just because you could overcome yours, good for you, but please do not expect someone else, who is a completely different person from you, to be able to bounce back like you did.

The other thing I wanted to mention was what the Hollywood gossip was going on about Gwen Stefani. She just recently got divorced too and is now dating Blake Shelton. And articles are popping up about her "still grieving" about her divorce despite dating.

Does the world see this as mutually exclusive? That the minute you start dating you are immune to grief? Or that you don't have a right to feel anything but happiness when you're dating? Never mind that your partner/husband of years was having an affair, I've got someone else now on my arm?

Yes, by right you should only date once you're completely healed. There are a lot of "rules" which I'm sure is meant to be good for you. But at this very stage when you're most vulnerable and when your rights and wrongs are all jumbled up, don't you fucking judge. 

I thought it was a Chinese thing at first but now that I'm seeing it in the tabloids on Gwen, this seems to be the thinking of the world.