One year ago, my partner of 18 years and husband of 10 told me I was not good enough for him. That he thought I would not make a good mother which was why he never really wanted to try to have kids with me. While he thought he would make a great dad, he just couldn't see me as the mother of his childr(en). Oh, and that it crossed his mind that he could find a better woman to be the mother.
I still had not cottoned on and tearfully kept asking the whys. There were more things, "You don't add value to me", "All I feel for you now is just duty", "We come from such different family backgrounds" and a slew of other remarks which belittled my parents and my eldest sister.
Finally he looked me in the eye and said, "I've been lying. I've been having an affair for the last 4 years with my colleague".
At that very moment, I experienced the sharpest pain which sliced through my heart. I never realized it was possible for words to have a physical effect. I begged him to give us a chance, for us to work things through but he refused.
He left that very day and never returned. No contact except for necessary dealings. What could I do but to let him go.
My best friend, my confidante, the only person in the whole world I had revealed my true self had completely and irrevocably rejected my entire being. Suicide was an option that crossed my mind many many times. Being the planner that I am, I had it all down to a T.
Friends rallied and loved fiercely. And a handful still do. I only hope that time will eventually numb the pain inside of me. At this point of this first year anniversary, I am still not whole and wonder if I ever will be again. My mistake was to build my world around him and now I am left but an empty shell.
Old hobbies become a thing of the past. No longer does baking bring me joy, nor taking photos. As I'm still discovering, I can only hope travelling is something I still enjoy.
My previous blog was about my life where he played a significant part. It's something I cannot continue and I don't want to read through my old postings. I can only wish I could wipe out the memories of my entire adult life. Like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. No, never watched it but I like the concept.
12 April was the date I launched my first credit card years ago. It was the birthday of my boss then and I never failed to wish her happy birthday every single year. Except for last year, of course, and this year. The date has become a painful date to remember now.
I no longer really wish anyone happy birthday, I no longer want to celebrate anything. Not Christmas, not New Year, not birthdays, not parents day, not anything. There's just nothing for me to celebrate about anymore.
Maybe next year I will have a different opinion. Maybe.
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