Get Over It

I was talking to someone recently about my grief over my divorce and the betrayal of infidelity. He then started telling me about the grief of losing his family members (all at different times but all were sudden deaths). I sympathized with him until he opined that me taking one year to heal was a bit too long.

I was dumbstruck. I haven't yet experienced a close family member passing away but I know it would be something that would grieve me utterly. But to compare these two forms of grief and expect that dealing with grief has a set time span and it's less than a year.

So it got me thinking. Both are grief dealing with a loved one leaving you. One through death, the other by divorce. But there is a huge difference.

• One is still walking around while the other isn't. 
• One can still bump into you at unexpected times and throw you completely out of your axis, the other remains in your memory. 
• One left you because they truly wanted to, the other because they probably didn't have a choice.
• One would leave you feeling like you are the lowest, most inadequate scum on the earth, the other leaves you with your self-esteem somewhat intact.

And when you're already struggling with your self-esteem before, it doesn't make thing better. At all.

So no, I disagree with him, this grief is not the same. And just because you could overcome yours, good for you, but please do not expect someone else, who is a completely different person from you, to be able to bounce back like you did.

The other thing I wanted to mention was what the Hollywood gossip was going on about Gwen Stefani. She just recently got divorced too and is now dating Blake Shelton. And articles are popping up about her "still grieving" about her divorce despite dating.

Does the world see this as mutually exclusive? That the minute you start dating you are immune to grief? Or that you don't have a right to feel anything but happiness when you're dating? Never mind that your partner/husband of years was having an affair, I've got someone else now on my arm?

Yes, by right you should only date once you're completely healed. There are a lot of "rules" which I'm sure is meant to be good for you. But at this very stage when you're most vulnerable and when your rights and wrongs are all jumbled up, don't you fucking judge. 

I thought it was a Chinese thing at first but now that I'm seeing it in the tabloids on Gwen, this seems to be the thinking of the world.

Exactly A Year Ago Today

One year ago, my partner of 18 years and husband of 10 told me I was not good enough for him. That he thought I would not make a good mother which was why he never really wanted to try to have kids with me. While he thought he would make a great dad, he just couldn't see me as the mother of his childr(en). Oh, and that it crossed his mind that he could find a better woman to be the mother.

I still had not cottoned on and tearfully kept asking the whys. There were more things, "You don't add value to me", "All I feel for you now is just duty", "We come from such different family backgrounds" and a slew of other remarks which belittled my parents and my eldest sister.

Finally he looked me in the eye and said, "I've been lying. I've been having an affair for the last 4 years with my colleague".

At that very moment, I experienced the sharpest pain which sliced through my heart. I never realized it was possible for words to have a physical effect. I begged him to give us a chance, for us to work things through but he refused.

He left that very day and never returned. No contact except for necessary dealings. What could I do but to let him go.

My best friend, my confidante, the only person in the whole world I had revealed my true self had completely and irrevocably rejected my entire being. Suicide was an option that crossed my mind many many times. Being the planner that I am, I had it all down to a T.

Friends rallied and loved fiercely. And a handful still do. I only hope that time will eventually numb the pain inside of me. At this point of this first year anniversary, I am still not whole and wonder if I ever will be again. My mistake was to build my world around him and now I am left but an empty shell.

Old hobbies become a thing of the past. No longer does baking bring me joy, nor taking photos. As I'm still discovering, I can only hope travelling is something I still enjoy.

My previous blog was about my life where he played a significant part. It's something I cannot continue and I don't want to read through my old postings. I can only wish I could wipe out the memories of my entire adult life. Like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. No, never watched it but I like the concept.

12 April was the date I launched my first credit card years ago. It was the birthday of my boss then and I never failed to wish her happy birthday every single year. Except for last year, of course, and this year. The date has become a painful date to remember now.

I no longer really wish anyone happy birthday, I no longer want to celebrate anything. Not Christmas, not New Year, not birthdays, not parents day, not anything. There's just nothing for me to celebrate about anymore.

Maybe next year I will have a different opinion. Maybe.