Get Over It

I was talking to someone recently about my grief over my divorce and the betrayal of infidelity. He then started telling me about the grief of losing his family members (all at different times but all were sudden deaths). I sympathized with him until he opined that me taking one year to heal was a bit too long.

I was dumbstruck. I haven't yet experienced a close family member passing away but I know it would be something that would grieve me utterly. But to compare these two forms of grief and expect that dealing with grief has a set time span and it's less than a year.

So it got me thinking. Both are grief dealing with a loved one leaving you. One through death, the other by divorce. But there is a huge difference.

• One is still walking around while the other isn't. 
• One can still bump into you at unexpected times and throw you completely out of your axis, the other remains in your memory. 
• One left you because they truly wanted to, the other because they probably didn't have a choice.
• One would leave you feeling like you are the lowest, most inadequate scum on the earth, the other leaves you with your self-esteem somewhat intact.

And when you're already struggling with your self-esteem before, it doesn't make thing better. At all.

So no, I disagree with him, this grief is not the same. And just because you could overcome yours, good for you, but please do not expect someone else, who is a completely different person from you, to be able to bounce back like you did.

The other thing I wanted to mention was what the Hollywood gossip was going on about Gwen Stefani. She just recently got divorced too and is now dating Blake Shelton. And articles are popping up about her "still grieving" about her divorce despite dating.

Does the world see this as mutually exclusive? That the minute you start dating you are immune to grief? Or that you don't have a right to feel anything but happiness when you're dating? Never mind that your partner/husband of years was having an affair, I've got someone else now on my arm?

Yes, by right you should only date once you're completely healed. There are a lot of "rules" which I'm sure is meant to be good for you. But at this very stage when you're most vulnerable and when your rights and wrongs are all jumbled up, don't you fucking judge. 

I thought it was a Chinese thing at first but now that I'm seeing it in the tabloids on Gwen, this seems to be the thinking of the world.

Exactly A Year Ago Today

One year ago, my partner of 18 years and husband of 10 told me I was not good enough for him. That he thought I would not make a good mother which was why he never really wanted to try to have kids with me. While he thought he would make a great dad, he just couldn't see me as the mother of his childr(en). Oh, and that it crossed his mind that he could find a better woman to be the mother.

I still had not cottoned on and tearfully kept asking the whys. There were more things, "You don't add value to me", "All I feel for you now is just duty", "We come from such different family backgrounds" and a slew of other remarks which belittled my parents and my eldest sister.

Finally he looked me in the eye and said, "I've been lying. I've been having an affair for the last 4 years with my colleague".

At that very moment, I experienced the sharpest pain which sliced through my heart. I never realized it was possible for words to have a physical effect. I begged him to give us a chance, for us to work things through but he refused.

He left that very day and never returned. No contact except for necessary dealings. What could I do but to let him go.

My best friend, my confidante, the only person in the whole world I had revealed my true self had completely and irrevocably rejected my entire being. Suicide was an option that crossed my mind many many times. Being the planner that I am, I had it all down to a T.

Friends rallied and loved fiercely. And a handful still do. I only hope that time will eventually numb the pain inside of me. At this point of this first year anniversary, I am still not whole and wonder if I ever will be again. My mistake was to build my world around him and now I am left but an empty shell.

Old hobbies become a thing of the past. No longer does baking bring me joy, nor taking photos. As I'm still discovering, I can only hope travelling is something I still enjoy.

My previous blog was about my life where he played a significant part. It's something I cannot continue and I don't want to read through my old postings. I can only wish I could wipe out the memories of my entire adult life. Like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. No, never watched it but I like the concept.

12 April was the date I launched my first credit card years ago. It was the birthday of my boss then and I never failed to wish her happy birthday every single year. Except for last year, of course, and this year. The date has become a painful date to remember now.

I no longer really wish anyone happy birthday, I no longer want to celebrate anything. Not Christmas, not New Year, not birthdays, not parents day, not anything. There's just nothing for me to celebrate about anymore.

Maybe next year I will have a different opinion. Maybe.

Equal Relationships?

I have this belief that in each relationship, there should be an equality between both parties. For example, if I treat you as a really good friend, I confide in you things, I tell you my thoughts and decisions, I expect you to tell me yours. Otherwise I'd feel like I'm a burden to you, that this is a one sided relationship.

This belief was being shaken to the core this weekend. No relationship seems to be equal. But because I'm a story teller and I'm not one to hide facts (unless I think you won't be able to take it), I am very open about my life. Trust is easily given. Gee... I must be still so damn naive even almost at 40.

Have I lost an old friend? I have exposed my life, struggles, emotions, vulnerabilities but when I asked you about something that was similarly bothering you, you shut me out. Have I been so blind not to realize that this a one way road type of friendship? I then thank you for being my therapist, for providing me with a listening ear. But is that all I am to you, a duty as a friend?

While for another, I have already lost you. You said you'd still want to be friends through thick and thin. I stupidly believed you and hoped you would stay. Honey, it hurts to discover that you've been put on restricted view on Facebook. The irony of it is that I'm more hurt that you did it first instead of me. So, if we both put each other on restricted views, what's the point of being friends, eh?

So here I am, trying to find the root cause of these disappointments in friendships. And it comes to my belief that you would do onto others as you would have others onto you. I'm discovering that this is highly flawed.

Yet, I have come to accept this from a really really good friend who doesn't tell me anything until one fine conversation, facts like, changing a car, and, plans of migrating to a new country soon. I initially felt very left out of her life for not telling me these things/life decisions, as though I was not part of her life. But until today, she remains a really good friend and I appreciate whatever she gives me.

Then why is it that I cannot accept the same from other people?

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Okay, after reading some answers on Quora on this, I agree and will now shift my thinking on this equality in relationships. I'll simply need to be grateful for what I can get and what I choose to divulge of my life is merely that, my choice. It should not be sometime I would impose on others.

The "Right" One

What makes a relationship a relationship? How do you choose your partner?

Obviously, you wouldn't be with someone who is vastly different from your own convictions. Like, I wouldn't date a serial killer, or a drug addict, or someone who loves torturing and killing animals, or someone who is a Justin Beiber fan (just sayin').

But then again, no one will be able to fit your perfect match. No one will be your all in all. No one will be able to make you completely happy. The solution to that is to have other people substituting or outsourcing what your partner lacks.

If your partner may not like travelling as much as you do, you go find someone else to travel with. He/she may not be interested about baking/reading, so you outsource and spend time with someone who does. To what extent can you "outsource" all these things but still have a relationship with this person?

With that in mind, I now wonder, to what extent do you say of this person, "This is the one for me"?

Some people say, you should have the same sense of humour or whatever is important to you. What IS important to me? And why is it important?

I know of couples who even have sexual relationships outside of their partnership but both are fine with it. This greatly puzzles me because maybe I currently view sex as exclusive. I've also heard of couples who date each other but they have their own homes to go back to at the end of the day. They're both divorcees and this arrangement suits them.

Then I also ask, is there really a point of getting married again? When I'm already at this age where I won't be able to have kids, why do I need to tie myself down with anyone? The meaning of marriage has been lost to me to the point that it's just a piece of paper. Sure it's a bit more cumbersome to split but that didn't stop the split.

Sigh. Who knows. Never say never. And perhaps I'm still going through much healing. I should ask my counselor this one day.

Flight mate

On my first solo trip overseas, I flew to Melbourne to escape the Chinese New Year. A brilliant idea which took seed on my birthday when I spent a miserable day being reminded how alone I was despite friends trying to celebrate with me and cheering me up.

Anyway, at the start of my 7.5 hour flight, I was happy that I was assigned to a window seat, my favourite. However, upon getting to my seat, a little Chinese girl sitting in the middle seat politely asked if I minded changing seats with her so that she could look out the window. :( How could I say no?

I ended up sitting on the aisle with her father in between us. They could not speak much English but the father knew more English words than I knew Mandarin so in many broken sentences punctuated by hand gestures, we started communicating. He was sending his daughter to a school in Hobart, Tasmania for a month. Sort of like an overseas exposure programme. Which is a great idea. Except I didn't understand when I asked how she would survive if she didn't know a word of English and he said she didn't need to. Perhaps this is a Chinese school.

He shared how excited he was that China is now finally allowing a second child policy and he hopes to work hard to earn money to afford a second child. It would be their present to their daughter, a sibling. Again, I am reminded how I take having my siblings for granted and I'm grateful for having 3 siblings who have been there throughout the hardest part of 2015.

Since this was their first trip to Australia, I sort of became a tour guide, helped them understand the flight attendant when they came by with their food trays, helping him fill out the immigration form, telling his how strict Australia is on food that is brought in. The little girl then commented to her father how helpful I was. That was heartwarming.

I now have a friend from Yu Nan Kunming :)

An Indian guy overheard my advice asked me if I was from Melbourne as we waited for our luggage. He wanted to know where he could get wifi and I simply told him, right here where you're standing :) Thank you Melbourne Airport for the free working wifi (unlike Singapore Airport where you'll have to go to the counter and ask for a password to log in).

Maybe my knack of meeting random people asking for directions in KL is what the universe wants me to do, be a tour guide sort of thing. But one thing for sure, I do enjoy meeting people on a one on one basis, getting to know them and their story. This is surprising because I think I'm an introvert. Maybe my friend Audrey is right, I'm an ambivert.

Time and more experience will tell and perhaps reveal who I really am inside.

Police stops?

The same young Uber driver from the first story also had a second story. I tell you I was never more amused in one ride than with that guy so far.

He had attempted to night shift, to see how it was like. It was a busy weekend night and his services were called for almost non-stop. Most of the passengers were drunk (I pointed out, thankfully no one threw up in his car!) except for one couple.

They got into the car and halfway through their journey, the guy casually asked if there were road blocks along the way.

It probably wouldn't strike me immediately as to why this was a strange question but then, if they were drunk, the driver certainly wasn't. So there should not have been any concern if there were police road blocks along the way. This smart Uber driver then deduced that this couple probably had drugs on them and that they were concerned if they would be pulled over and discovered!

The more he thought about it, the more certain he was and again, he drove as quickly as he could back to their place!

He was panicking again, what if there really was a road block and they were caught for drug trafficking. Would he be able to say he was just their Uber driver and not involved in distributing drugs? No joke because in Malaysia, you WILL get hanged for drugs. Then again, being a Uber driver is not exactly legal just yet in Malaysia, so either way he will get into trouble!

So that was his one and only night shift as a Uber driver. So drama!

Blindsided

One of my rides on a Uber recently led me to think about starting this blog actually. He was this young guy who started doing Uber full time for 3 weeks at that point.

He happily launched into his tale as he was still recovering from the shock of the experience even though it happened a week before. He had picked up this Malay girl from Brickfields who's destination was the emergency section of a nearby hospital on a Sunday night at 10pm.

Upon reaching the pick up point, he called her to say he had arrived but had driven a few meters ahead as there was no parking. He then asked her to look for him when she said she couldn't. He then demanded, "Why not? I'm not very far away and for me to turn back won't make sense!"

Her soft reply, "I can't come to you because I'm blind..."

He immediately felt so remorseful and profusely apologized, stopped his car and went to look for her.

As he started the journey, she started to draw deep breaths and hyperventilate. He quickly looked at her and asked what was wrong. She was having an asthma attack which was why she quickly needed to get to the emergency section of the hospital!

He was like, FML what if something happens to her in the car, why didn't she call an ambulance (let's just say taking a Uber is faster than an ambulance in Malaysia)... He drove like crazy, thankful it was a Sunday night without much traffic and he got there is record time. He jumped out of his car and called the nurse to bring a wheelchair to his passenger, all the while panicking like crazy.

I couldn't help but laugh at his story telling as he reenacted his reactions. I said it might be helpful to learn CPR or some basic first aid in case something like this happens again. He said he'd rather hope that it doesn't happen again but was more humbled that this girl was being independent, living on her own and getting her own transport to the hospital without relying on other despite being blind.

I also praised him of his kindness not to stop and drop her off despite his fear in that situation. I then shared I had gone for Dialogue in the Dark, where I experienced how to navigate from one place to another in complete darkness. It was a good reminder that we take things like our sight for granted. If I remember correctly, it is better to grasp their elbow or let them hold on to you than holding them by their wrist or palms. For more info, Dialogue in the Dark has a centre at Jaya One in Petaling Jaya that he could visit one day.

So that was my bit of contribution to him :)